Today was about me altering my way of life. If you know me, you know I'm typically a pretty shy person. I usually have a difficult time doing things and going places on my own. I'm not good in new situations where I don't know anyone. Going somewhere where I have to do something or meet someone I've never met/ done before makes me uncomfortable. In fact, I usually talk myself out of doing something like this even if I know I'm going to like it because I very rarely initiate contact with people and I feel awkward if no one says anything to me or whatever. Part of this is because I'm not very confident most days and feel inadequate or weird around new people.
Lately, I've come to the realization that I'm pretty lonely. In high school, I was never popular but I had a small core group of friends that I hung out with. Now, I don't talk to a single one of them. It's a little sad because I was glued to the hip of one of them-as was she to mine. Besides Justin, she was my best friend in high school.
In college, same story… Not very popular (kinda hard to be popular in college) but a small group of friends. I actually had 2 circles of friends in college- a group of people from the Methodist group on campus and a group of friends who lived in the dorm with me. (My roommate was my BFF in high school.) Again, I don't talk to any of them either. Every once in a while, I'll text Heather though. I was apart of student government and the CJ fraternity; and had scattered friends here and there, but only one has transcended that, and we don't hang out as much as I'd like. Actually, out of college friends, he's the only one I feel really close to.
The only person I talk to from high school is Justin. Justin is the only person who's stuck by me since we were 14. He is my best friend and I love him like crazy. I literally don't know what I'd do with out him. When we fight, it hurts so bad and I can't stand it. But even he and I have drifted a little. He's got an amazing girlfriend and cushy job now that takes up a lot of his time; but I'm not complaining…
So, after evaluating my friendship status now, I've tried to make a change. A couple weeks ago, I went to a photography thing and broke out of my shell a little. That is a HUGE step for me. I never do things like that on my own. This has been a problem for me. I think because I don't go out and make an effort to talk to people, people think I'm unapproachable. I'm a much better people watcher than anything. But, this is slowly changing.
I went out again this afternoon with a different group and met 2 girls who want to hang out some time and one gave me her number. I was thrilled! So, while to most it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it's a big deal. These baby steps are going to slowly bring me out of this loneliness and sadness I feel. I see by next year at least one new friend on the horizon...
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