Losing weight for a man?

There's a couple of men I'd really like to get to know better.  One I am currently dating and would love to keep dating him.  Another I've had a crush on for a while.  Both are equally cute and about the same age.  Both have wonderful potential.  However, I was talking to my mom the other day and she says I should lose weight.  I know I need to lose weight.  I just wish I had my parents backing me up on this.  It's hard to eat right when the people you live with refuse to do what you've asked them to do.  They refuse to buy food that is better for us.  It was much easier to do things on my own.  My dad refuses to help.  He says that whole grain pasta is gross.  Well, I've got news for him, I'm gross.  I usually HATE the way I look.  I know in order to win over these 2 men, I have to lose weight.  I know in order to be in a relationship, I have to be happy with myself.  I'm not entirely happy.  Most of that has nothing to do with my weight but losing weight would be a start.  At least one was honest with me and told me he'd be more attracted to me if I lost a little.  A little shouldn't be too hard, right? Let's start with 10...

Umm soooo not good

This is HORRIBLE!!!! Since I've started student teaching, I've gained weight.  I'm soooooo disappointed in myself.  I wish I could go back on Adderall to help with the weight management. Not that Adderall is for weight loss ONLY that was just one of the fringe benefits of it.  I was talking to Mr. Mom yesterday about apple cider vinegar and that helping, but it just sounds gross.  There's not really been a lot of research done on it.  I think really what I need is to go back on the diet I was on and eat more fiber.  I've considered a lot of things; but haven't been able to follow through with anything really so far.  I lack motivation and determination.  I'm not saying I'm not motivated or determined.  It's just that something happens between the doing and the thinking.  I don't know how to solve that problem.  It's an issue I've struggled with since I've tried losing weight since I was a freshman in high school.  I just want to be happy with my weight and the I look for once.

Realization

I have come to the realization that I will have to work much. much harder than I have before to lose the weight I want to lose.  Now that I've practically moved in with Kayla, I'm going to have to watch much more closely what I eat.  Tomorrow, I officially start student teaching and figured what a perfect time to start my diet.  I am going to have to learn how to eat on my diet again.  This will certainly pose a challenge as me since I will be staying with Kayla.  Michael doesn't exactly cook on the healthy side of things.  I'm going to have to start measuring my foods; but also be careful about what I'm doing so that I don't make Katie involved in the process.  She's too young to worry about weight.

Temporarily Out of Office...

OK, so I don't have an office or anything like that; but I was gone for two months at camp.  I took some time off this summer and got paid for it to go to Maine to work as a camp counselor.  I went to Camp Takajo--a Jewish boys' sports camp to be a photography counselor.  (www.takajo.com)  It by far has been a top 5 summer for me.  I think it directly follows the 2 weeks I spent in London and Paris.  I look forward to next summer when I go back.

I said all of that to say this:  I haven't lost any weight since I began this blog.  I plan to start my diet in full swing once again on August 31.  Which just so happens to be the day I start Clinical Teaching!!! I am looking forward to the fall.

The plan I have at the back of my head is to about 50-70lbs lighter by the time I go back to Takajo next summer.  I know it sounds silly, but I'd like to be one of the women the male counselors pine after.  I know it sounds totally vain.  It's just never happened before.  Ok, so that's my update.

**UPDATE**

I think I may have found some new motivation…  A girl I new from high school who was totally NOT hot and was pretty chubby is now cute and not very chubby anymore.  I always swore to my self that I'd never let my self get to that size.  I'm pretty sure I've surpassed it.  I think I weigh more than what I did at the doctor's office a couple years ago and that's disappointing to me.  I also swore I'd never weigh more than that.  I know what I need to do and what I'm going to do as soon as I get the chance to do anything today.  I'm going shopping.  I'm going to buy fruits, vegetables, fiber stuff, etc… I will NOT let my self be fat anymore.

I'm going to get a full body picture of my self and post it on my refrigerator, mirror in my room, and the mirror in the bathroom.  That's my motivation.  My other motivation is another girl in high school.  She was so horrible to me; but I secretly wanted to be like her.  I still want to be like her.  Not exactly like her; because she has no formal education and works at a tanning salon; but she's perfect.  I don't want to be perfect, I just want to go to my 10 yr reunion in a couple of years, and when I see her again, I want her to wonder who the hell I am.

Still Nothing...

I've been trying to find the motivation for a week now.  I have yet to find it.  I really need to find it soon.  I think instead of losing weight, I've gained weight.  I think that as soon as I find a job, I will buy a Wii again. (Mine was stolen) I may try to commandeer my parents' balance board and buy Wii Fit Plus again.  In the meantime, I'll use my little punching bag and kick it's ass.  It's nice to punch that when I am feeling stressed or angry.

I'm also kinda hoping that I get a camp counselor job somewhere in Colorado or some other place.  A camp counselor job would be a good thing. I'd certainly be more active.  It'd also get me away from home before I start my clinical teaching.  It'd give me experience and something to put on my resume as well.  Not to mention, I'd meet new people and get out of my shell.

Sometimes I think of extremes I could try to lose weight.  I'd like to try a detox thing; but like I said, I've read that they're dangerous. I hate to admit it, but I've considered making my self puke and/or taking a whole bunch of fiber supplements at one time.  I know I should drink more water and so I think about drinking glasses and glasses of water and maybe that'll help.  Maybe I should just stop writing this and get off the couch.

I'm Not So Happy...

I don't know why, but I just can't get motivated right now.  I know what I should be eating and everything like that; but I'm just not doing it.  I more than want to lose weight, I NEED to lose weight.  It's important to my future health.  I also don't want my kids growing up with a fat mom.  I've always wanted to be a MILF (lol) but I can't be that looking like I do.  I've looked into doing a detox thing; but I've so far read several articles on webmd and yahoo health that pretty much say they're not so good for you.  My biggest vices are Coke and sweet stuff.  I have a CRAZY sweet tooth and it gets me into trouble pretty much on a daily basis.  I can also drink about 2 cans/bottles of Coke a day.  I am addicted to it.  I really wish there was something that was just  as sweet and tasty as cake or my mom's icing that wasn't so fattening.  I guess I should try to eat more fruit maybe?

You Got a Friend in Me

Today was about me altering my way of life.  If you know me, you know I'm typically a pretty shy person.  I usually have a difficult time doing things and going places on my own.  I'm not good in new situations where I don't know anyone.  Going somewhere where I have to do something or meet someone I've never met/ done before makes me uncomfortable.  In fact, I usually talk myself out of doing something like this even if I know I'm going to like it because I very rarely initiate contact with people and I feel awkward if no one says anything to me or whatever.  Part of this is because I'm not very confident most days and feel inadequate or weird around new people.

Lately, I've come to the realization that I'm pretty lonely.  In high school, I was never popular but I had a small core group of friends that I hung out with.  Now, I don't talk to a single one of them.  It's a little sad because I was glued to the hip of one of them-as was she to mine.  Besides Justin, she was my best friend in high school.

In college, same story… Not very popular (kinda hard to be popular in college) but a small group of friends.  I actually had 2 circles of friends in college- a group of people from the Methodist group on campus and a group of friends who lived in the dorm with me. (My roommate was my BFF in high school.) Again, I don't talk to any of them either.  Every once in a while, I'll text Heather though.  I was apart of student government and the CJ fraternity; and had scattered friends here and there, but only one has transcended that, and we don't hang out as much as I'd like. Actually, out of college friends, he's the only one I feel really close to.

The only person I talk to from high school is Justin.  Justin is the only person who's stuck by me since we were 14.  He is my best friend and I love him like crazy.  I literally don't know what I'd do with out him.  When we fight, it hurts so bad and I can't stand it.  But even he and I have drifted a little.  He's got an amazing girlfriend and cushy job now that takes up a lot of his time; but I'm not complaining…

So, after evaluating my friendship status now, I've tried to make a change.  A couple weeks ago, I went to a photography thing and broke out of my shell a little. That is a HUGE step for me. I never do things like that on my own. This has been a problem for me.  I think because I don't go out and make an effort to talk to people, people think I'm unapproachable.  I'm a much better people watcher than anything. But, this is slowly changing.

I went out again this afternoon with a different group and met 2 girls who want to hang out some time and one gave me her number.  I was thrilled!  So, while to most it doesn't seem like a big deal, but it's a big deal.  These baby steps are going to slowly bring me out of this loneliness and sadness I feel.  I see by next year at least one new friend on the horizon...

I Need to Work on the Altering Process

I haven't been very good at this altering thing this week.  Jimmy didn't help at all.  2 HUGE margaritas and then a burger afterwards did not help.

That's Snaptacular!!!!!

I finally did it!  I finally emailed the photography couple!  I'm so excited!  I can't wait to hear back from her.  I have a good feeling about this.  It's  going to to be so much fun.  I just hope I hear fro them and get my picture stuff done and finally together.

Still Working...

Today was spent not doing much more than just fixing pictures.  I really have to get on the ball to get these pictures together.  The 22nd is coming very quickly; and I've got to get my pictures to the couple I'm interested in working for.  She was wanting to meet me sometime before then and it's been over a week since she's emailed me.  I'm starting to panic now. I don't have very many good portraits and it's frustrating.  I just wish that I had things more taken care of.  :(  Not very good in terms of an alteration…  This is a short blog because my computer's being slow.

Not a Good Day for Diets

So after being up waaaaaaaaayyyyy too late last night I slept in too late this morning. I wanted to be up early because my mom and I were supposed to go to La Porte to go to church. But We made it out that way anyways. Today was my grandma's birthday, so we spent the day with the fam and celebrated at Olive Garden. Oh yeah, my mom baked a cake too. So today was the worst day for an alteration. Good news is, tomorrow's Monday and the start of a new week; so I can start fresh for the week.

This week, I want to focus on my photography. I need to send an email to that couple and get my pictures together like yesterday. I spend so much time obsessing with editing them that I can spend an hour or more on one stinkin' picture. I want to get a good sampling of about 50 pictures or so on flickr. I'm hoping to be done with that by tomorrow mid-morning.

After working on pictures, I need to work on getting a job ASAP. If I'm not working, I'll probably head to Katy Mills to go to the picture studio where I applied and maybe talk to the manager. If that doesn't work out, I'm going to go to Lane Bryant :(. I need a job very, very soon because my dad is threatening me with no cell phone and some other stuff that I can't remember. Plus, I want to buy a new camera. Plus, I'll be more broke than I am right now next semester, and I'm going to need to save money. In a perfect world though, I'll be out of the units' house in January and working somewhere full-time. Also in a perfect world, I'd have a car by Valentine's Day, a DSLR by my birthday, and a cute tankini by May :)… too bad the world's not perfect.


**UPDATE**  I've discovered that last night's Shrimp Carpese is considered the worst "healthy" Italian food.

Olive Garden Grilled Shrimp Caprese

900 calories
41 g fat (17 g saturated)
3,490 mg sodium

Grilled shrimp on its own makes for one of the healthiest sources of protein on the planet, but when corrupted by the imaginations of the corporate cooks at Olive Garden, the result is considerably bleaker. The melted mozzarella and the garlic butter sauce are to blame for the high sodium numbers (there’s as much salt in this dish as in 20 individual canisters of Pringles Originals). Stick with the sea, but choose grilled salmon, instead of a platter that’s soaked in salty sauce.

YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!  Good thing I only ate about 1/2 of the stuff.  I soooo need to get the "Eat This Not That" books.  Oh my, I need to do some serious working out today.  

I Need a Little Alteration

So, I'm sitting here on the couch at 2:54 in the morning. This happens frequently as my mind doesn't shut down--especially after the Adderall has worn off. I've been watching YouTube videos for a long time now and have found some on weight loss transformations. They have inspired me(once again) to start a plan and change who I am.

Let me start off by saying this: I do NOT want to be what is commonly known to fat chicks as a "skinny bitch." I absolutely LOVE being curvy. I love my boobs, my hips, and my legs. I wouldn't be hurt if my pant size still started with a "1." Actually, I'd be a little bummed if I were even a size 10. I'm realistic about my body. I'm short, only 5"3' and have always been thick. It's genetic… both sides of my family is a little thick. I think that it's silly for my Wii Fit Plus to tell me I should weigh 120lbs. It doesn't take into consideration my bone mass and actual body stature. But, it's a video game… My doctor (I love her btw) told me that my goal of 170-160 is a good goal for me. I'm very much aware that I will lose some boobage; but I'm quite positive that if I weighed 120, I'd have to walk on my hands and knees without a reduction.

I feel like I should also say that I will announce my weight on here and if you're not going to support me on this, then get the F out. No announcement tonight though. The one thing I don't need is people being punks and making fun of me or bringing me down when I don't reach a goal or gain some weight. Also, no I don't want to go running with you or to your super awesome spinning class. I hate that kind of crap. I like workouts that I can do while burning off steam. Especially this year; I've had one heck of a year and have been angry at a lot of things and going out on the back porch to punch the Hell out of my little boxing bag makes things better. What I do ask from you guys (if there's anyone out there reading this) is your tips, support, and cheers to keep me going. If you've never had to lose weight before (Justinin!!!!!!) you have no idea what it's like to do this--so don't tell me it's easy; trust me it's not easy!

Lemme give you a back story: I have never been skinny. But I didn't know that I wasn't skinny until I was in the 5th grade. The boy I had a crush on called me all sorts of things and my realization of what my body truly looked like and my self esteem sank. I was made fun of constantly. When I started high school, I was 150; when I graduated, I was somewhere in between 170 and 180.

Now I weigh more than 180. I didn't start noticing how much I really weighed though until I went to the doctor on campus and found out I weighed 221.9. I was mortified. That was in 2007. I have to say that since then, I haven't weighed more than that. (Except for a few days when I weighed 224.5 for some reason and then after 3 days suddenly weighed 218.6 with no workout or changed diet.)

After graduating from Sam in 2007/2008, (I say that because I was supposed to graduate in 2007 but didn't realize I was short 3 upper level hours, so I walked in Dec and the diploma came in May) I decided that I didn't want to do anything with my degree. I was at a very high point in my life. I was in a great relationship with Aaron, taking my ACP class to get my teaching certificate, and living on my own in Huntsville.

After passing my content exam, I didn't get any interviews at all; but I started working at Primrose back in Sugar Land. I moved into a home close to where I grew up at with my dog and lived there by ourselves for the year while I worked at Primrose. I had a great class and for the most part, loved my job. (If you know me well enough, you know I'm lying just a little about loving my job) I loved being on my own; and because the units were in England, I didn't have to pay rent or any bills. Yes, I was blessed; but still overweight and not happy with my body.

At Primrose, we started a whole diet thing and I started to lose weight. I actually got down below 200! But in March, Aaron and I broke up. I cried for a day, and then joined match.com 1 day later. In June, I went to England and Paris for a couple weeks and gained back a couple pounds right after I got below 200. I dated a guy who was an AMAZING cook and I blame a little of my weight gain on him. (Sorry, but your Juicy Lucy burgers--which were the best burgers I'd had in a long time and my coconut rum/pineapple juice combo didn't help either.) Then, (dun, dun, DUN) in September, I had to move back in with the units since my lease was up and they moved back home.

I love my parents to death and don't know what I'd do without them… But, like every other kid who has to move in with the 'rents again we don't always get along. In July, I quit Primrose because I just couldn't take it anymore. Things just were that bad. I was broke, jobless, and lived with my parents. This year has been a not so great year. Just ask the rest of my family; I have been pretty unpleasant at times. I've slipped into a depression and am very angry at times. With the anger and depression, the pounds came on.

I'm a substitute teacher so jobs aren't always there and I'm home a lot. That's boring and so I snack. I'm lazy and my favorite TV shows are on, so I don't work out. I'm sad, angry, or celebrating something, so I eat. I've realized that I NEED to lose weight or I'm going to be miserable. So, I go back to the Primrose diet and start losing weight again. But it's hard to get the units on the bandwagon and I stop my diet.

Fast forward to a couple months ago. I was recently stood up by a couple of guys and did not get even a text on my birthday. Although, Cory, who was mad at me, took the time to not only text me a happy birthday message, but sent me a song he downloaded that I couldn't find anywhere. (If he can do it when he's mad at me, you'd think the guy(s) I was talking to at the time could've done it too, right? Not so much…) So I decided it was time to give up focusing on getting a boyfriend and focus on getting a job and a better me. My match.com subscription was about to end anyways. (I'm subscribed to match again because I think I'm addicted; but I'm not on EVERY night like I used to be) Then, there was tonight. I'm watching all these videos of women losing weight and deciding that it's time once again to focus on the best person I know to focus on--MEEEEEEE! No more "game;" (Cory should be happy about that) no more being lazy; no more worrying about silly boys and what they want from me. Nope, it's all about me.

I've been working on that a little lately too. I've gotten out of my shell a little and went to my first meetup group meeting ON MY OWN! :) If you don't know me that well, you wouldn't think that was a big deal. But it's a pretty big deal to me. I am usually awkwardly shy and loathe doing things by my self. I've gotten into photography more now and am even putting together a sort of portfolio to send to this couple out here in Katy (http://www.snaptacularphotos.com/)so that I may be able to work with them. The best part of the photography thing is that someone besides my momma liked my pictures!!!!!!! Thanks-you know who you are. So, out of all this positiveness that came up recently, I decided again it was time for a change.

My goals:

Weight lost:50-60 lbs.

Pant size: 12/14

Top size: L or in button-up shirts XL no more XXLs

I don't want to ever wear Spanx again. (Look them up if you don't know)

I want Justinin to notice that I've lost weight and maybe find me kinda pretty. (Sorry Rina, but I've never been pretty to him)

I want to fit in the category on match.com as "About Average"

Even though I love Lane Bryant, after all of this is done, I don't ever want to walk in their store again except to buy bras and maybe a bathing suit top (they have built-in bras in them)

A fuller, rounder, firmer ass.

A JOB JOB JOB J-O-B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Complete a 365

Take good portraits to add to my portfolio

Once all of that is done, everything else will fall into place.

PS if you read this, please show some comment love so that I feel justified in doing this and motivated.