Have you ever sat down and thought about the ideal version of yourself? Lately, I've been disappointed in the current me. Working at Kids R Kids is not exactly what I call ideal. However, I'm fairly happy with what I do there. A little more than a week ago, I changed from working with my little preschoolers to working with school aged children. I miss my little kiddos and all their sweetness; but the stress of working with the girls (they may have been of an adult age, but were no where near being women) in those classes just brought me down too much. With the school agers, I get to be sarcastic, have a looser schedule, go on field trips, and get to walk away from the job fairly stress-free. That is the benefit. However, I am not where I want to be.
I'm royally stressing. I'm living paycheck to paycheck and this is so not fun. I can't even afford to go get milk right now... How lame is that? Don't even get me started on being able to afford flying to Phoenix in about 3 weeks... But, having a full-time teaching job would allow me to do those things. Ever since losing my job at Shell, I've struggled to be happy. Don't get me wrong, I HATED that job. But, it provided me with a sense of security. I didn't have to worry about where the rent was coming from. I just have to remind myself, this is good for me... Hard to remember that.
I just want a classroom so bad I can taste it. School starts in 2 weeks. In less than 2 weeks though, I'll start a job as a full-time substitute for a
first grade teacher on maternity leave. Yes, while I'm excited, I'm
also seriously nervous. It's also a little depressing. It's depressing
because I've been struggling with this for a long time and I'm not
exactly sure why I don't quite have a teaching job. I've applied for jobs; but nothing has come about.
I didn't sit down tonight to write this blog to complain. My intentions were to reflect. So, here comes the reflection part...
My alteration isn't just about weight loss. My alteration is about changing me over all. When I first started writing this, I wanted to be moved out of my parentals... I've already cleared that hurdle. So, now I have to clear others. Teaching is my biggest hurdle right now. My goal in the near future is to get that teaching job. I have to make adjustments to my strategy and tackle this sub job like it's a real job. I have to apply everywhere. I just have to do it. I'm beyond tired of living paycheck to paycheck. I can't do it anymore. I'm hoping this sub job will lead to something more promising...
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
I'm glad she is proud
Yesterday, I went to the doctor to discuss how my medicine is working out. Also, how other things are going. The good news is, my medicine is working (as always) and she's happy I've lost weight since the last time I was in. 5 pounds to be exact.
The truth is, since graduating from college, my weight has fluctuated so much that 5 pounds isn't really that big of a deal. However, I've set a goal for myself. After talking to my doctor yesterday, she thinks 60 pounds in a year is a great goal. She thinks it's reachable and very probable. Which makes me happy. Which means I'd weigh about as much as I did when I graduated high school and the healthiest I've been probably in over 10 years. This makes me incredibly happy.
I've also decided I am getting my prom dress from my parents' house to hang here. I need a visual reminder. My dress will give me that reminder. I am also going to print post my goals for next year. This way, these goals are REAL. Just hanging out here on my blog, they're just things I wrote. But, by printing them off, I can see them, feel them, and be reminded of them every day. I think they're all actually pretty good goals. I want to keep them in mind so that it's easier to stay on track.
On another note, things are starting to pick up for me on the job front. I am working at Kids R Kids right now, teaching pre-kindergarten. Actually, it's more like guiding pre-kindergarten. It's good for getting experience; but mostly just frustration. When I worked at Primrose, the people I worked with weren't exactly professional. Here, they're more professional; but not exactly meeting what I hoped for. In the beginning, things were ok, but it's steadily gone down hill. I guess I should realize that when I work at places like these, my standards should be lower. They're mostly about having a body in a room. On to the good news... I was offered a long-term sub position at a school I love for a 1st grade teacher. She'll be on maternity leave for 12 weeks from the 1st day of school until November. I also have an interview for a 3rd grade position in Louisiana. I applied a long time ago for the position but it was closed. So, there's that... I hope and pray things are looking up. I just have to keep on track with everything--the job and the losing weight thing.
The truth is, since graduating from college, my weight has fluctuated so much that 5 pounds isn't really that big of a deal. However, I've set a goal for myself. After talking to my doctor yesterday, she thinks 60 pounds in a year is a great goal. She thinks it's reachable and very probable. Which makes me happy. Which means I'd weigh about as much as I did when I graduated high school and the healthiest I've been probably in over 10 years. This makes me incredibly happy.
I've also decided I am getting my prom dress from my parents' house to hang here. I need a visual reminder. My dress will give me that reminder. I am also going to print post my goals for next year. This way, these goals are REAL. Just hanging out here on my blog, they're just things I wrote. But, by printing them off, I can see them, feel them, and be reminded of them every day. I think they're all actually pretty good goals. I want to keep them in mind so that it's easier to stay on track.
On another note, things are starting to pick up for me on the job front. I am working at Kids R Kids right now, teaching pre-kindergarten. Actually, it's more like guiding pre-kindergarten. It's good for getting experience; but mostly just frustration. When I worked at Primrose, the people I worked with weren't exactly professional. Here, they're more professional; but not exactly meeting what I hoped for. In the beginning, things were ok, but it's steadily gone down hill. I guess I should realize that when I work at places like these, my standards should be lower. They're mostly about having a body in a room. On to the good news... I was offered a long-term sub position at a school I love for a 1st grade teacher. She'll be on maternity leave for 12 weeks from the 1st day of school until November. I also have an interview for a 3rd grade position in Louisiana. I applied a long time ago for the position but it was closed. So, there's that... I hope and pray things are looking up. I just have to keep on track with everything--the job and the losing weight thing.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
My Future Self Will… 50 dreams I have for my future self
1. Fit into my prom dress (Maybe even it'll be too big)
2. Thank me for this one day
3. Look in the mirror and think, "Damn, you look good." NOT "Damn, I've never seen that roll before."
4. Make my boyfriend proud
5. Make his friends jealous he's dating me
6. Make my mom stop gloating about some stuff she fits into
7. Make my mom stop reminding me that she hasn't gained any weight since she moved back from England, while I have.
8. Go swimming in a two piece and not care who's looking
9. Go swimming NAKED and not care who's looking
10. Turn heads
11. Shop in the juniors section just because I can
12. Never step into Lane Bryant EVER again
13. Play soccer again
14. Not have back problems
15. NEVER be skinny and keep my curves
16. Be confident
17. Have a best friend who's never thought I was pretty, think I'm pretty
18. Love myself
19. Wear a smaller bra size
20. Refuse to be the grenade/land mind in my group
21. Wear dresses more often
22. Throw away every piece of clothing (Except for the dresses I bought in England, the one for Tara's wedding, and the one I last wore--I'll get those altered)
23. Go out more often
24. Have clearer skin
25. Not have to tell the doctor "I don't know what to do to lose weight."
26. Go to the pool/beach and have a guy hit on me instead of the stupid 18-yr. old lying next to me
27. Go to the bar and have a guy hit on me instead of the stupid 21-yr. old sitting next to me
28. Have a waist
29. Go on a 10-mile bike ride with the BFF and climb up ALL the hills
30. Climb to the top of Mt. Crested Butte again
31. Wear a thong in front of my boyfriend, with the lights ON
32. Have sex with the lights ON
33. Be a MILF
34. Never worry about having a heart attack
35. Never worry about getting Type-2 diabetes
36. Wear skinny jeans
37. Make smaller butt prints on my couch
38. Finally become a runner (Maybe… Not a fan of it right now) ***UPDATED*** In case becoming a runner is an epic fail. NEVER wear Spanx again
39. Hear my very pretty Aunt Darlene and my cousin Rebekah tell me I look good
40. Not buy a dress from the "plus-size" department when I buy a wedding dress
41. Look good in my wedding pictures
42. Look good in my honeymoon pictures
43. Be ok with going someplace "beachy" for my honeymoon because I'll look good in a bathing suit
44. Stop being the fat friend
45. Not contemplate gastric bypass
46. Exercise more
47. Maintain my weight
48. Bake a cake and not lick batter or icing from the bowl
49. Drink more water
50. Be HAPPY with myself, my reflection, and my body for the first time ever
I'm technically not at my heaviest I've ever been in my life. However, I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at this point in my life. I've come to the conclusion that I will NEVER be skinny. I honestly have no desire to be skinny. But I do feel like there's a thinner version of myself trapped in this fat body. It's been a long time since I've blogged on this blog and I haven't made much progress. Actually, I've gained weight since I've last blogged. These are some goals I want. Most of them, I want to have in a year. Some, like becoming a MILF are not likely to happen. But I do think I'll be able to fit into my prom dress in a year. I'll even have a smaller bra size in a year. And maybe, just maybe, I'll become a runner. I definitely want my boyfriend (yes, the boyfriend I have now) to be proud of me. He says he's proud of me and loves me just the way I am. Yes, I believe him. But I want him to wake up next to me a year from now (maybe not precisely a year, because that'd be hard to do if I'm here and he's in Phoenix) and go "Damn, she's hot." I want to be "the hot girlfriend." I especially want my best friend, Justin to for once, think I'm pretty. In the 14 years I've known him, to my knowledge, he's only thought I've looked pretty once. I want him to think I look pretty all the time and not be embarrassed when we hang out together.
These are things I want for my future self. I could put more; but 50 seemed like a good number to stop at. I could've put stuff on there about when I have children (aside from the MILF); like being the hot mom at soccer practice, or the mom that makes all the other moms jealous. I also think a year is a good starting off point for these goals. Most of them, I can achieve in a year. I know how I want to look and the clothes I want to wear. But most of all, I know how I want to feel. Now it's just up to me.
***UPDATE*** I really HATE running. But so many people tell me it's rewarding, fun, and relaxing. However, to me it's monotonous. I'm going to TRY running a couple of times when I'm physically able to. If I don't like it, I've added an alternate to #38 if becoming a runner doesn't work out.
2. Thank me for this one day
3. Look in the mirror and think, "Damn, you look good." NOT "Damn, I've never seen that roll before."
4. Make my boyfriend proud
5. Make his friends jealous he's dating me
6. Make my mom stop gloating about some stuff she fits into
7. Make my mom stop reminding me that she hasn't gained any weight since she moved back from England, while I have.
8. Go swimming in a two piece and not care who's looking
9. Go swimming NAKED and not care who's looking
10. Turn heads
11. Shop in the juniors section just because I can
12. Never step into Lane Bryant EVER again
13. Play soccer again
14. Not have back problems
15. NEVER be skinny and keep my curves
16. Be confident
17. Have a best friend who's never thought I was pretty, think I'm pretty
18. Love myself
19. Wear a smaller bra size
20. Refuse to be the grenade/land mind in my group
21. Wear dresses more often
22. Throw away every piece of clothing (Except for the dresses I bought in England, the one for Tara's wedding, and the one I last wore--I'll get those altered)
23. Go out more often
24. Have clearer skin
25. Not have to tell the doctor "I don't know what to do to lose weight."
26. Go to the pool/beach and have a guy hit on me instead of the stupid 18-yr. old lying next to me
27. Go to the bar and have a guy hit on me instead of the stupid 21-yr. old sitting next to me
28. Have a waist
29. Go on a 10-mile bike ride with the BFF and climb up ALL the hills
30. Climb to the top of Mt. Crested Butte again
31. Wear a thong in front of my boyfriend, with the lights ON
32. Have sex with the lights ON
33. Be a MILF
34. Never worry about having a heart attack
35. Never worry about getting Type-2 diabetes
36. Wear skinny jeans
37. Make smaller butt prints on my couch
38. Finally become a runner (Maybe… Not a fan of it right now) ***UPDATED*** In case becoming a runner is an epic fail. NEVER wear Spanx again
39. Hear my very pretty Aunt Darlene and my cousin Rebekah tell me I look good
40. Not buy a dress from the "plus-size" department when I buy a wedding dress
41. Look good in my wedding pictures
42. Look good in my honeymoon pictures
43. Be ok with going someplace "beachy" for my honeymoon because I'll look good in a bathing suit
44. Stop being the fat friend
45. Not contemplate gastric bypass
46. Exercise more
47. Maintain my weight
48. Bake a cake and not lick batter or icing from the bowl
49. Drink more water
50. Be HAPPY with myself, my reflection, and my body for the first time ever
I'm technically not at my heaviest I've ever been in my life. However, I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at this point in my life. I've come to the conclusion that I will NEVER be skinny. I honestly have no desire to be skinny. But I do feel like there's a thinner version of myself trapped in this fat body. It's been a long time since I've blogged on this blog and I haven't made much progress. Actually, I've gained weight since I've last blogged. These are some goals I want. Most of them, I want to have in a year. Some, like becoming a MILF are not likely to happen. But I do think I'll be able to fit into my prom dress in a year. I'll even have a smaller bra size in a year. And maybe, just maybe, I'll become a runner. I definitely want my boyfriend (yes, the boyfriend I have now) to be proud of me. He says he's proud of me and loves me just the way I am. Yes, I believe him. But I want him to wake up next to me a year from now (maybe not precisely a year, because that'd be hard to do if I'm here and he's in Phoenix) and go "Damn, she's hot." I want to be "the hot girlfriend." I especially want my best friend, Justin to for once, think I'm pretty. In the 14 years I've known him, to my knowledge, he's only thought I've looked pretty once. I want him to think I look pretty all the time and not be embarrassed when we hang out together.
These are things I want for my future self. I could put more; but 50 seemed like a good number to stop at. I could've put stuff on there about when I have children (aside from the MILF); like being the hot mom at soccer practice, or the mom that makes all the other moms jealous. I also think a year is a good starting off point for these goals. Most of them, I can achieve in a year. I know how I want to look and the clothes I want to wear. But most of all, I know how I want to feel. Now it's just up to me.
***UPDATE*** I really HATE running. But so many people tell me it's rewarding, fun, and relaxing. However, to me it's monotonous. I'm going to TRY running a couple of times when I'm physically able to. If I don't like it, I've added an alternate to #38 if becoming a runner doesn't work out.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)